Today for my Come, Follow Me study, I read Genesis 17:15-22. The manual said, "The Lord has made glorious promises to the faithful, but sometimes the circumstances of our lives can cause us to wonder how those promises can possible be fulfilled." I felt prompted to share this experience.
It has mostly been difficult for us to get pregnant. While trying to conceive Enoch, we tried for five years. We went through a lot of medications, procedures, tears, anger, frustrations, questions, and finally acceptance that we most likely were not going to have another baby.
One day, I was reading a book in our living room. I was sitting on an old flowered couch we inherited from my parents. That couch always looked like a Monet painting to me; pastel colors that blurred into each other. I was having a difficult time concentrating on my book (really a difficult time concentrating on anything at that time, my mind was so full of confusion and hurt), My eyes wandered to the couch pattern and I just stared at it for long minutes while my mind went through the ever-present reel of wondering why I was being punished. I truly believed I was such a horrible mother to Gavin that God wasn't willing to send me another baby. Gavin wasn't an easy child and I was questioning everything at that point.
While my mind was wondering, I had a very distinct impression that I would have a baby in May. I immediately sat up straighter and listened again. I didn't necessarily have a real burning in my soul, but it was such a strong feeling out of the blue, that I said a small prayer asking Heavenly Father if this was from Him. The though came again that we would have a baby born in May. I started doubting, mostly to protect my shattered heart from more hurt. I rationalized that I must be thinking of Gavin, since he has a May birthday.
At that point, we had done everything medically we could to become pregnant. We had tried drugs (buying from the local pharmacy, then buying them direct from Mexico when money became even tighter, and then selling our extra drugs to another hopeful couple in a dark, cold parking lot, trying to wish them luck without sobbing because those same drugs didn't work for us). We did round after round of artificial insemination with no luck. Our last effort was In-Vitro. I knew it wouldn't work, Heavenly Father told me in the temple not to bother. But, I still had to try it. I wasn't trusting myself or my relationship with God much at that point. I should have listened. $25,000 gone and that was the last of our money and my will to keep trying. We gave up and decided that if pregnancy was to happen, it would have to happen on its own.
I had accepted the fact that we were probably going to be a one-child family. Eventually we put in adoption papers, but even that didn't seem promising. We prayed about fostering and got a firm no on that as well. So on that spring day, while Gavin was at Kindergarten and the house was quiet, I sat on my flowered couch and was given the prompting that we would have another baby, born in May. Honestly, I tucked those thoughts away in the corner of my brain and at the bottom of my heart. I couldn't live through any more horrendous disappointment.
A few months later I became pregnant! It was a shock to both Greg and I. We had really accepted our family and had moved on from the idea of having more children. We were overjoyed! I couldn't believe that we were going to have another baby, due in February. I had tucked away my revelation of a May baby so far into my hurt heart, that I didn't even remember what Heavenly Father had promised me.
One day, late in my pregnancy, I was moving wet, clean clothes from the washing machine to the dryer. I specifically remember I was having a difficult time reaching down into the washing machine because my stomach was so big. As I finished up, again I had another thought unexpected thought pop into my head. You will have another boy. I stood there, holding a pile of heavy, wet clothes, and had a hard time wrapping my brain around what I just heard. It was so quiet and simple, yet absolutely earth-shattering for me. Was I really going to have another baby. Three babies! Again, my faith was weak. I couldn't imagine getting pregnant again.
February 12, 2005, on a rainy afternoon, our sweet Enoch Jon was born. He was the happiest, cutest baby. I wondered if my prompting at the washing machine could even be true? How could we be blessed with three children?
The thought of that third baby stayed with me through the next few years. When Greg and I felt the time was right, we started trying again, bracing ourselves for another long, painful struggle. Imagine our surprise when we discovered me pregnant the first month we tried! Another part of this journey that did not make sense, but we were so happy!
I knew this baby, again due in February, was a boy. I had been told it was a boy and I was determined to finally trust my prompting. I remember one night, in that place between wakefulness and sleep, I had an image of a fluffy, pink blanket pop into my mind. My eyes jerked open and I sat up in bed, with my heart pounding and my brain confused. Must just be crazy pregnancy dreams I told myself - this baby was a boy.
At the 20-week ultrasound, we were told we were having a girl. I was shocked! It wasn't that I didn't want a girl, but it was so unexpected. I had finally come to terms with all these vague, simple promptings, that to have them not happen was a real blow to my spiritual confidence. I remember feeling prompted to call my good friend, Michelle Day. I cried on the phone. I told her I wasn't sure why I was telling her all this. She told me she had the exact same experience and that everything would be okay.
As the months passed, I was so excited to have a little girl! I never thought it would happen, but I jumped in with all my love and enthusiasm. Kate Patrice was born on the morning of February 19, 2008, and I was so immediately in love that I'm not sure how I lived my entire life without her. She was my eternal blessing that I didn't know I needed.
I always wondered about that boy that was supposed to come to our family but didn't. The few years after Kate was born, my health really took a nose dive. I wasn't sure I could get pregnant again, let alone carry a healthy baby. After a few promptings, Greg and I decided that there was still a baby meant for our family. It took a few months before I was mentally ready to jump on the roller coaster of trying to get pregnant.
It would be lovely to say that I got pregnant right away. Unfortunately this was not the case. It took two long years. I knew we were suppose to have this baby, so I didn't get involved with fertility treatments, but the disappointment of failure every month was awful. Coupled with the fact that I was getting older by the day, really shot my anxiety through the roof.
On a hot, August morning in 2011, I finally got that positive pregnancy test. I felt so many emotions at once - elation, relief, panic, comfort, I was so happy to be pregnant!
For the most part, the pregnancy was normal and smooth, despite my age of 36 years old. I remember sitting in the car before my ultrasound and telling Greg that this baby better be a boy because I wasn't sure I could face all of those uncertainty emotions again. When the ultrasound tech announced it was a boy, I cried happy tears.
On May 11, 2012, our Guard Randall was born. He was prefect - perfect for us. He tied our family up beautifully and we knew that he was the last one for us. As I sat in my hospital room the afternoon of his birth, I marveled that he was finally here. I heard a small voice whisper in my heart, "Your little boy born in May," Perhaps it was the exhaustion, the medication, the overwhelmingness of everything, but I burst into tears, I finally remembered that promise God made to me 11 years earlier, that promise that I had tucked deep inside my heart and hadn't thought of for a decade.
It came back not as a memory but an emotion. A feeling that said I could trust God, that He would always keep His promises. That He knew my pain and He gave me little glimpses of the future to keep me going and to show me love.
I don't have a favorite child. I love them all equally for different reasons. Each of them has my whole heart. But when I look at Guard, I remember my May boy. He is my promise from my Heavenly Father.
